This is the fourth segment of the 5 C’s of Healthy Relationships series. This segment is all about communication.
It’s pretty well known that communication is a crucial component in relationships. But it’s more complex than “just communicate with your partner.”
If you’ve read the segments on commitment, commonality, and compassion, you probably already know what I’m going to say about communication in relationships…that it exists on a spectrum!
Both ends of the communication spectrum are unhealthy levels of communication, too little communication being on one end and too much communication being found on the other. Healthy levels of communication can be found right in the middle.
Too little communication
This end of the spectrum is pretty self explanatory. It’s no secret that too little communication leads to problematic relationships.
When there’s little to no communication within a relationship, the relationship begins to feel non-existent. If you live with your partner and there’s no communication, it can even feel like the two of you are roommates rather than partners.
There are several reasons that a relationship can have a lack of communication.
One person may feel like they simply have no reason to tell their partner things. Someone else may feel like their partner doesn’t actually care about them so they don’t see a point in telling them things. Another person doesn’t think they should have to tell their partner anything because they think their partner should know them enough to already know what’s going on.
Let’s look at some examples of relationships with little to no communication.
Luke and Lorelai from Gilmore girls. When Luke and Lorelai finally get together, Luke finds out he has a 12-year-old daughter he never knew about. Luke, not being the best communicator, doesn’t tell Lorelai about his daughter, instead keeping it a secret until he “figures things out.”
Obviously Lorelai gets upset when she finds out (they live in a tiny Connecticut town that didn’t get its first stoplight until late in the series), they end up breaking up, but then get back together. Luke, still not the best communicator, wants to keep Lorelai and his daughter as separate parts of his life and then asks Lorelai if they can postpone the wedding.
Lorelai agrees, but spends weeks sulking around, unhappy about the entire situation. Eventually, everything comes to a head and they break up for good, at least until the very last episode of the original series, when they get back together. (footnote: They continue to have communication issues in the revival, Gilmore girls: A year in the life, that takes place nearly a decade later.)
Ross and Rachel from Friends. “We were on a break!” Everyone who has seen Friends knows that quote. Ross and Rachel were constantly arguing, so Rachel suggested they take a break from each other. The issue? They never defined what a “break” meant. Does it mean they were breaking up or does it mean they’re still together, they just take some time for themselves? Ross took it to mean the former and Rachel took it to mean the latter. During their “break” Ross slept with another woman and when Rachel found out she said he cheated on her. Ross tried to get her to understand his perspective, but she couldn’t. *A similar situation also took place in Gilmore girls between Logan and Rory, when he thought they broke up and had a bunch of one night stands with his sister’s friends but Rory thought they were just taking some time apart while remaining in a relationship.
Both of these situations could have been avoided if people in the relationships just talked to one another. If Luke told Lorelai right when he found out about his daughter and Lorelai was up front about feeling like their wedding was never going to happen, they might have stayed together.
If Ross and Rachel (and Logan and Rory) communicated what “on a break” actually and fully meant, both would have had a better understanding of where the other person was at as far as their relationship was concerned.
Another issue with little to no communication is feeling like you constantly have to guess how the other person is feeling.
Are they quiet because they’re sad, because they’re angry, or did I do something to upset them? They didn’t really say anything when I asked how their day went, does that mean they’re hiding something? They didn’t tell me about their project failure at work, so I just went on about our evening like nothing was wrong when they were struggling.
This can be exhausting.
Too much communication
Too much communication is the other side of the spectrum and it can be just as problematic as too little communication.
The first issue with too much communication is that it starts to be an issue for both people. It can bring feelings of insecurity to the surface in that constantly feeling like you or your partner has to communicate may start to feel like there’s no trust in the relationship for the two of you to act independently.
Constant communication can also feel like a full-time job and you may start to feel like you aren’t present in whatever activity you’re doing. If you’re out with your friends but you’re constantly buried in your phone updating your partner on where you are and what you’re doing, you can’t actually enjoy the time with your friends.
Too much communication in a relationship is also where we start to get into controlling and abusive territory. If you have a partner that expects you to constantly communicate and check in all the time and gets angry or accusatory if you don’t, then this may be an abusive relationship.
Feeling the need to constantly communicate and check in can also be a residual effect from an abusive relationship. For the longest time in my current relationship I felt like I had to tell my boyfriend where I was going and who was going to be there. When running errands I would constantly send him texts like, “Just got to the grocery store.” “Leaving the grocery store to go to Target. “Just got to Target.” “Leaving Target and heading home.”
He never expected or required me to send these updates, but I still felt compelled to send these types of texts because it’s what was expected of me in previous relationships. Eventually, I realized I didn’t have to update him every single step of the way because I realized it wasn’t necessary.
Another issue with too much communication is that it’s essentially monologuing. If I am constantly communicating with someone, telling them every thought and feeling I have, I’m most likely not giving them the space to communicate back. It’s a one-sided relationship at that point.
Healthy communication
The middle of the spectrum is healthy communication. The key to true and effective communication is that it is a dialogue. There’s back and forth. Both people in the relationship calmly and openly talk about their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or repercussion while still maintaining their sense of self and independence.
In a healthy relationship, no topic should be off the table of communication, but there should also never be any pressure or feelings of compulsion when it comes to communication.
Both people in the relationship need to feel as though they can talk to the other person about anything and everything, but also remain an independent person who can go about their day without feeling like they have to tell the other person everything.
Healthy relationships have no secrets. Healthy relationships have no judgment. Healthy relationships have no expectation that the other person intuitively knows what you’re thinking and feeling.
Here are some examples of TV couples who have healthy levels of communication:
Beth and Randall in This Is Us. These two have time and time again given us examples of healthy communication. Both of them remain individuals with different goals and dreams without feeling like they constantly have to check in and talk, but both also don’t hesitate to communicate their wants and needs with the other. Beth openly talks to Randall about wanting to switch careers and Randall openly communicates his needs of finding his biological parents. Both people felt that they could talk to the other about potentially life-changing things without fear of judgment.
Lorelai and Rory in Gilmore girls. Back to Gilmore girls for another example. Lorelai and Rory have a unique dynamic as mother and daughter, but it highlights good communication very well. They’re both open with each other on their thoughts and feelings throughout the entire series. They have good dialogue about how both would feel if Lorelai started dating Rory’s father again, Rory talks to her mom about potentially having sex with her boyfriend, Jess, and Rory helps Lorelai navigate her stresses when she thinks she may be pregnant after a drunk night of unprotected sex with her boyfriend, Luke. In fact, the times in the series where there was conflict between Lorelai and Rory were all because there was a lack of communication between the two of them.
With healthy communication, there’s an open dialogue where both people in the relationship feel comfortable enough to talk about everything they’re thinking and feeling, but never feels that the other person expects them to talk about everything.
The takeaway
Communication is one of the fundamental necessities of a healthy relationship, but it’s not as black and white as you may think.
Little to no communication is a fairly self-explanatory problem in that a lack of communication can create misunderstandings, feelings of insecurity, questions of whether the person actually loves you and wants to be in the relationship, and constant guessing what the other person is thinking and/or feeling.
Too much communication can also be a problem in that it can quickly start to feel like a full time job, exhausting both the person feeling compelled to constantly communicate and the person constantly being bombarded with check-ins and “can we talks.”
Too much communication is also where we see controlling and abusive relationships, when one person holds an expectation of constant communication and repercussions if the other person doesn’t meet those expectations.
Healthy levels of communication is where there is space made by each person for the other to clearly articulate their wants and needs. Healthy communication is where both people feel comfortable and safe enough to talk about anything and everything, but don't feel pressure to over-communicate.
Healthy communication is a dialogue, not a monologue.
Until next week,
Rychelle 💜
P.S. Next week will be the 5th and final installment of the 5 C’s of Healthy Relationships series, where I’ll talk about a concept related to communication–comprehension.