This week is the third installment of The 5 C’s of Healthy Relationships where I talk about compassion (read Part 1 and Part 2).
Compassion is the “sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it” (Merriam-Webster).
It’s not uncommon to hear people say they wish to be more compassionate or that they wish their partner would be more compassionate. There tends to always be a desire for more compassion.
While compassion is important, I’d argue that there is such a thing as too much compassion in relationships.
Just as with commitment and commonality in Parts 1 and 2 of this series, we can view compassion in our relationships as a spectrum. Healthy compassion lives in the center of the spectrum, with unhealthy levels of compassion being on either end.
Too little compassion
One end of the compassion spectrum is where we see too little compassion in a relationship. When neither person shows compassion toward their partner, the result tends to be a shallow and hardened relationship.
When compassion is non-existent or minimal in relationships, resentment often surfaces because one or both people in the relationship begin to feel as though the relationship is pointless and/or one-sided.
Here are some examples of relationships that lack compassion:
James tells his wife, Maria, that he’s feeling really anxious about his looming deadline at work because he’s not getting any help from his coworkers on the project. Maria responds by saying “That doesn’t seem like that big of a deal. You may have to work late for a few days, but you’ll get it done. Just stop worrying about it.”
Sarah, who is recently divorced, calls her mom to tell her that she doesn’t think she’ll make it to her mom’s best friend’s daughter’s bridal shower later that afternoon because she doesn’t really feel up to celebrating an upcoming marriage since her marriage just ended. Sarah’s mom tells her that she already told her friend that Sarah would be there and it’s important to her that Sarah be there. She says “it would be rude for you to not show up since they’re expecting you.”
Carrie feels upset because she had a huge argument with her parents. Her and her boyfriend, Tom, had plans to go to a movie that Tom has been wanting to see and then meet up with some friends afterward for some drinks. Tom brushes off Carrie’s feelings about her parents and tells her she’ll feel better after the movie and seeing their friends.
All three of these relationships are unhealthy in that they lack compassion. Maria basically tells James that he’s overreacting, Sarah’s mom is disregarding her needs, and James isn’t fully listening to Carrie and is putting his wants above her needs.
If these behaviors continue to happen in these relationships, neither person in the relationship will be happy.
Lack of compassion leads to relationships that simply aren’t viable.
Too much compassion
On the opposite end of the spectrum, we see relationships that have too much compassion.
Having too much compassion can lead to drained energy and the inability to meet our own needs because we’re too focused on meeting the needs of the other person in the relationship.
Too much compassion can also make our partner feel smothered, or it can lead to an issue of codependence. If our partner’s needs are constantly being attended to and met by us, they’ll essentially lose the ability to self-sooth and become dependent on us for their happiness and well-being.
Let’s revisit the same scenarios from above, but from the perspective of too much compassion:
James tells his wife, Maria, that he’s feeling really anxious about his looming deadline at work because he’s not getting any help from his coworkers on the project. Maria responds by telling James exactly what he needs to say to his coworkers to get them to start pulling their weight. She texts him several times throughout the next day to make sure he talks to them.
Sarah, who is recently divorced, calls her mom to tell her that she doesn’t think she’ll make it to her mom’s best friend’s daughter’s bridal shower later that afternoon because she doesn’t really feel up to celebrating an upcoming marriage since her marriage just ended. Sarah’s mom tells her that she completely understands and that she already told her friend exactly why Sarah wouldn’t be at the party. Sarah’s mom then spends the next 30 minutes talking about another friend who recently got divorced and how she gave that friend Sarah’s phone number so they could support each other through this experience.
Carrie feels upset because she had a huge argument with her parents. Her and her boyfriend, Tom, had plans to go to a movie that Tom has been wanting to see and then meet up with some friends afterward for some drinks. Tom immediately changes the plans, cancels with the friends they were supposed to meet up with after the movie, goes out to grab takeout, ice cream, and flowers for Carrie. For the rest of the evening, he asks Carrie every five minutes how she’s doing and if she needs anything. He even plans a weekend getaway for them the following week and says he can just watch the movie he wanted to see when it comes out on Netflix.
On the surface, these scenarios don’t sound all that bad. Maria helps James speak up for himself, Sarah’s mom is trying to find her some support through her divorce, and Tom is trying to boost Carrie’s mood after the argument with her parents.
But looking closer, all of these scenarios are just as problematic as the first ones with a lack of compassion. These scenarios have too much compassion.
After receiving several texts and phone calls from Maria telling him what to say to his coworkers, James may feel like he can’t solve a problem on his own anymore and always needs Maria when he’s facing an obstacle.
Sarah’s mom didn’t give her mom permission to give out her phone number and may not want to talk to someone she doesn’t really know about her divorce. All she wanted was to tell her mom she wouldn’t be going to the bridal shower. Sarah may start to resent her mom and feel like her mom is overstepping, and eventually may stop going to her mom when she’s feeling upset about something.
While it seems great that Tom is caring for Carrie so attentively after her argument with her parents, he’s probably going to start feeling like he has little to no energy for himself because it’s constantly going to Carrie and her needs. If he constantly puts himself on the back burner, he may start to resent Carrie without even realizing it because his needs and wants are no longer being met.
The healthy balance
The healthy level of compassion falls somewhere in the middle of too little and too much. It’s a balance between showing some compassion for your partner, while also remaining compassionate toward yourself as well.
Showing compassion for ourselves is just as important as showing compassion for others, but only when we engage in both in tandem.
But it’s never a perfect balance. There has to be a little give and take by default, but we can’t simultaneously show ourselves and others the same level of compassion.
You can think about it like balancing a scale. We may have two different items on either side, like rocks and leaves. Rocks weigh more than leaves, so it may take more leaves to get the same equal balance, but that equal balance is possible.
The same holds true for compassion. Some days we have to show ourselves a little more compassion than we show our partner, and vice versa. As long as the ebb and flow exists, healthy compassion remains.
Lets’ once again revisit our scenarios, this time with healthy levels of compassion:
James tells his wife, Maria, that he’s feeling really anxious about his looming deadline at work because he’s not getting any help from his coworkers on the project. Maria responds by encouraging James to talk to his supervisor and/or his coworkers to see if a better work balance can be figured out.
Sarah, who is recently divorced, calls her mom to tell her that she doesn’t think she’ll make it to her mom’s best friend’s daughter’s bridal shower later that afternoon because she doesn’t really feel up to celebrating an upcoming marriage since her marriage just ended. Sarah’s mom tells her that she completely understands and that she’ll go to the bridal shower without Sarah and then the two of them can get together afterward for dinner.
Carrie feels upset because she had a huge argument with her parents. Her and her boyfriend, Tom, had plans to go to a movie that Tom has been wanting to see and then meet up with some friends afterward for some drinks. Tom listens to Carrie’s concerns about the argument with her parents and then asks her if she still wants to go to the movie and then out with friends or if she’d rather stay in tonight. Carrie says she’d rather stay in and order a pizza and says they can go see the movie Tom wanted to see next weekend. Tom says that’s a great plan, then pulls out his phone and places an order from Carrie’s favorite pizza place. He even orders extra breadsticks because they’re her favorite.
These versions of the scenarios show healthy compassion. Maria listens to James’s concerns about the project at work and gently encourages him to speak up for himself without any major pressure to do so. Sarah’s mom understands why she wouldn’t want to go to the bridal shower and even offers to take Sarah to dinner after she’s done at the party so they can still spend some time together. Tom understands Carrie’s desire to change plans and stay in for the night, orders her favorite food to help boost her mood, and Carrie even offers to see the movie Tom wanted to see the following weekend so he still gets to see it in theaters.
The takeaway
Balanced levels of compassion are a foundational component to a healthy relationship. We have to show compassion to both ourselves and the other person.
Too little compassion and we’ll experience hardened or shallow relationships that seem pointless.
Too much compassion and we’ll make the other person feel smothered or cause them to start being codependent because we’re attending to all their needs so they lose the tools to meet their own needs. We also risk draining our own energy or losing ourselves in the relationship because all of our time and energy is going to the needs of the other person.
Remaining compassionate to ourselves while also showing compassion for the other person is crucial to remaining in the middle of the spectrum where we find a healthy level of compassion.
Until next week,
Rychelle
P.S. Next week will be Part 4 of this series, where I’ll discuss Communication.