Last week I talked about commitment in relationships. In continuing this series of the 5 C’s of healthy relationships, this week’s topic is commonality.
We all have a checklist of things we would like to have in common with our partner. It’s part of the human nature of forming connections with others. We look for people who are similar to us and tend to steer clear of people with whom we share nothing.
Like the spectrum of commitment discussed last week, commonality can also be seen as a spectrum.
On one end, we have nothing in common with our partner and on the other end is where our partner is basically a carbon copy of ourselves. Both ends of the spectrum are problematic and don’t foster a healthy relationship.
Let’s dig deeper.
Too little in common
We all have that friend (or have even been this person ourselves) who meets someone new and is immediately physically attracted to them. But once they start to spend time with this new person they realize they have nothing in common with them.
One person likes to go out dancing on the weekends and one likes to have quiet nights at home. One is a dog person and one is a cat person. One person wants kids but the other person doesn’t. One person is religious but the other isn’t.
The list of differences can go on and on.
Seeing these differences on paper would seem like there’s no way these people could date each other, yet they don’t break up. They’re putting too much weight into other aspects of their relationship and not enough weight in their differences. In this case, one of two things typically happens.
They try to change one another. The person who likes to stay in for quiet nights guilts the person who likes to go out into staying home and having movie nights. They try to compromise and get both a dog and a cat, but the dog person hates the cat and the cat person hates the dog and the dog and the cat hate each other. The person who doesn’t want kids tries to get the other to see how great life is without kids while the person who wants kids tries to get the other to see how fulfilling having a kid would be. They approach hardship in too different of ways, the person who is religious praying and talking with God while the person who isn’t religious keeps their mind occupied with work and exercise.
They ignore these differences, thinking they either won’t be an issue or sees them as potential future issues to be dealt with later. Maybe the person who wants kids doesn’t want them quite yet, so they don’t see a problem with their partner not wanting kids. Maybe both can successfully have their separate religious beliefs, but a few years down the road they want to get married or have a baby and now all of a sudden there’s conflict on what kind of ceremony to have or how they will raise the child.
Both of these situations are problematic because the two people trying to have a relationship don’t have anything in common, especially when it comes to the most important topics.
You could have the most intense physical attraction to someone and they could check off most of the boxes on your list for an ideal partner. They’ve got a good job, they’re smart, funny, passionate, sensitive, etc. But if they don’t have the same core set of beliefs you do, the relationship will have zero foundation to build from and won’t be able to flourish.
Whether it be immediate or somewhere down the road, resentment and conflict will begin to surface and the relationship will come crashing down.
It’s important to note, though, that the “crucial” topics that you have to have common beliefs can differ from one relationship to another. Here’s an example.
A couple I know has one of the most solid relationships I have ever witnessed. They’re crazy about each other, never fight, support each other, etc. All the good, healthy things. But, he’s Catholic and she’s Jewish. They follow religions that have fundamental differences. But, for them, that’s not a make or break topic. They had a non-religious wedding ceremony (they were married on a boat in the bay by a sea captain) and how to raise children wasn’t a conflict because they met later in life and all of their children are grown.
For a younger couple who wants a religious wedding ceremony and who have yet to have any children, religion may indeed be one of those topics where it’s crucial for commonality to exist.
Too much in common
Hearing all of that about not having anything in common, you may think that the better option is to have everything in common with your partner. You both follow the same religion, you both love high intensity adventures, you both have the same favorite everything. There isn’t a single thing that you guys don’t have in common.
First, I want to point out that the reality of you having everything in common with your partner is pretty much impossible.
You’ve each led individual lives and have unique lived experiences. Even if you both faced the same hardships in your respective lives before meeting each other, you more than likely processed and responded to those hardships differently.
Thinking you have everything in common with your partner is just that. Thinking. A misconception. An unrealistic perception.
This misconception isn’t healthy either.
Thinking you have everything in common with your partner may mean there’s no resentment or conflict in the relationship, but it also leads to a pretty boring relationship. If you and your partner are virtually the same person, they don’t add anything to your life and you don’t add anything to theirs.
There’s nothing to spark new conversation and there’s no desire to try new activities.
Also, because you have nothing that makes you “you” separate from your partner, you may start to lose your independence. If there’s nothing that makes you unique or different from your partner, there’s no longer things in your life that you enjoy doing on your own.
There’s nothing for the two of you to do independently and then come together afterward to talk about.
The healthy balance
Just as there is a healthy balance of commitment in a relationship, there is a healthy balance of commonality.
You want to have things in common with your partner. It’s what makes you compatible with each other. You especially want to have the things that are most important to both of you in common to minimize conflict and friction. But you want to make sure you and your partner still have some differences as well.
The goal of this balance is for you and your partner to complement each other.
Think about some of these complementary pairings:
Peanut butter & jelly. Peanut butter is smooth and creamy and rich while jelly is juicy and fresh and slightly tart. They’re both spreads that can make a sandwich, but they’re unique from each other in the flavors and textures they bring to that sandwich. They complement each other.
The sun & the moon. The sun provides light and energy to the Earth, while the moon stabilizes the tilt of the planet. Both keep Earth a livable planet, yet have vastly different functions. They complement each other.
A cool breeze on a warm day. A warm day means we can go outside in shorts and a t-shirt, enjoy the sunshine, and get some fresh air. The cool breeze is refreshing and keeps us from overheating. Without a cool breeze, the warm sun may be too much and we’ll have to go inside to cool off. Without the warm sun, the cool breeze would bee too cold. They complement each other.
Virtually any two things that pair well together, that compliment each other, have some similarities and differences.
This is the goal within our relationships as well. Take my relationship for example.
My boyfriend and I hold similar if not the same beliefs and ideals when it comes to all of the important, “hot-button” topics (like education, religion, abortion, relationship roles, etc.). We both do Brazilian jiu-jitsu. We both love tattoos, heavy metal music, coffee, food, and nerdy things like Dungeons & Dragons. We’ve both had toxic relationships in the past. We both love reading and learning new things. We both prefer a quiet night in as opposed to a night out at a bar or a club. And we have a ton of other stuff in common.
But we’re also very different from each other. He’s more Stoic and I tend to be more sensitive and anxious. I love roller coasters1 while he prefers spinning rides like the Teacups. I have dreams of going skydiving and swimming with sharks and he prefers keeping his feet firmly on the ground and won’t go in bodies of water where he can’t see his feet or the bottom. I prefer to drive and he prefers to be a passenger. I love organization and color-coding while he basically thrives in chaos. I like reading different genres of fiction books than he does. I love the beach, but he’s not as keen on the bright sun and the feeling of sand between his toes.
This balance he and I have of the things we have in common and the things between us that are different is what makes us complementary. We don’t try to change one another to make the other operate more like us. We each bring uniqueness to the relationship while sharing in the “make-or-break” aspects.
The takeaway
Commonality in relationships is more complex than “we have things in common” or “we’re nothing alike.” Commonality between two people in a relationship exists on a spectrum. There’s a balance to be had between having the crucial things in common while being unique individuals who each bring something different to the relationship.
Lean too far toward not having anything or having very little in common and you’re going to run into a lot of conflict and friction in the relationship.
Lean too far toward the other end of the spectrum and you’ll likely experience a boring relationship where there’s no motivation or desire to have interesting conversations or try new activities and you run the risk of losing yourself and your independence because you no longer have hobbies or interests that are yours alone.
Until next week,
Rychelle 💜
Keep an eye out for Part 3 next week, where I’ll dive into the third “C” of healthy relationships: Compassion
We went to Dollywood one time and I rode the roller coasters by myself while he watched. We both had fun because we were together and shared the experience despite each of our experiences being slightly different. I didn’t get upset with him for not riding the roller coasters with me and he didn’t get upset while standing by himself holding our stuff every time I wanted to ride.