Happy Monday everyone!
Imagine this scenario. You hit the elevator button to go up to your hotel room after a long day sitting in the sun at the hotel pool. You’re by yourself because your friend went up to the room an hour ago because they had a headache.
Before the elevator doors open, a man comes and stands next to you, presumably also waiting for the elevator. He’s wearing a hat and sunglasses so you can’t see his face. You aren’t sure what, but something about him doesn’t sit right with you.
You don’t want to hurt his feelings or make things awkward, so you get on the elevator with him anyways.
Now, you’re in a windowless steel box the size of a closet with someone you don’t feel comfortable with.
This guy could just be going up to his room like you are, but he could also have other plans.
If he attacks you, you have nowhere to run and no one will be able to hear you until the elevator doors open again.
Why am I having you imagine this horrible scenario? Because it is a scenario millions of women experience in real life. I’d be willing to bet either you or another woman you know has felt uncomfortable with someone they’ve been on an elevator with.
This is also the scenario Gavin de Becker, author of The Gift of Fear, lays out when he was interviewed on Joe Rogan’s podcast. He mentions it when he’s talking about the idea that it’s okay to hurt other people’s feelings because your own safety is more important.
It’s okay to hurt people’s feelings
When I say “hurt people’s feelings,” I don’t mean be rude or purposely hurtful.
I mean set boundaries and keep those boundaries at the forefront of your experiences.
With the elevator example, if someone joins you in waiting for the elevator, even if you’ve already pushed the button to call the elevator, it’s okay to say “You go ahead, I’m going to wait for the next one,” or “You go ahead, I’m waiting for someone and they’re not here yet.” A little white lie here is fine if it makes you feel more comfortable.
If you’re uncomfortable around someone, that’s all the reason you need to keep your distance from that person. They very well could be a regular human without plans to harm you, but why take that chance when there’s an easy solution to avoid that possibility?
Here’s another example in the jiu-jitsu world. Jiu-jitsu is a close-contact sport that involves a lot of trust between training partners.
If you know someone rolls hard regardless of who they’re partner is, or you’re uncomfortable rolling with them for some other reason, it’s okay to turn them down if they ask you to roll.
You could say, “No thanks, I’m taking this round off,” or you could be honest with them and say, “No thanks, you’re a little too rough and I’m not looking for hard rolls right now.”
Again, your safety and comfort is more important than their feelings.
A third example is when you and your friends are out at a bar having a few drinks on a Friday night. Someone comes up to you and offers to buy you a drink and you aren’t really comfortable with how close they’re standing. Even if you aren’t getting a weird feeling about them and you just want to hang out with your friends, it’s okay to turn down the drink.
You can say, “No thanks, I already have a drink,” or “No thanks, I’m here with my friends tonight.”
Even though the examples I gave of things you could say to turn someone down in all these situations involve a longer sentence with a slight explanation as to why you don’t want X, there’s a much simpler answer that I want to share with you all.
“No” is a full sentence
I saw a video recently of two talk show interviews. One was with Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen and the other was with their older sister, Elizabeth.
In both interviews, they talked about how when they were growing up, their father constantly told them “no” is a full sentence. He was trying to prepare them for when people would ask them to do things they didn’t want to do.
We don’t always need to attach an explanation to why we don’t want to do things.
When the creepy guy gets on the elevator and asks if you’re getting on too: “No.”
When the super rough new guy in jiu-jitsu class asks if you want to roll: “No.”
When someone at the bar asks if they can buy you a drink: “No.”
“No” is a full sentence.
What if the person gets upset?
We can say “No” all we want, but what happens if the person we are saying no to doesn’t take that word very well?
Growing up, we tend to be told not to tattle. “Don’t tattle on your sibling when they’re picking on you.” “No one likes a tattler.”
I say, “tattle immediately.”
If the guy on the elevator gets upset, go to the front desk and tell them about the guy. Just let them know that there’s a man who made you uncomfortable by the elevators and describe what he looks like to the best of your ability.
If the person in your jiu-jitsu class gets upset that you won’t roll with them, tell your coach. Let them know that the person got upset when you told them you don’t want to roll with them and the reason you don’t want to roll with them. It’s your coach's job to make sure everyone in the class is comfortable.
If the person at the bar keeps bothering you after you say you don’t want a drink, tell the bartender. Let them know the person is making you uncomfortable and that they won’t leave you alone.
Wrapping up
When it comes to our personal safety, nothing is more important. Politeness goes out the window when it comes to making sure we feel safe in our day-to-day life.
If a stranger isn’t respectful of our boundaries, that’s their problem, not ours.
The next time someone makes you feel uncomfortable, don’t be afraid to hurt their feelings a little bit. It could save your life.
Until next week,
Rychelle 💜
Thank you for this important reminder. It's also important in social dancing. While the injuries are not as immediate as jiu-jitsu, a leader who jerks a partner around by her arm can cause shoulder pain over time. A leader without floorcraft can send a follower into a collision on the dance floor, since she is the one moving backwards.
I am often too worried about hurting feelings when saying no to a dance. This has helped me rethink that.