Happy Monday everyone!
With Valentine’s Day being this week, I want to focus on love for this issue. More specifically, I want to focus on self-love.
We live in a society that tends to equate being in a relationship with having some level of status.
If someone is single, their friends and family are always trying to set them up with someone. They can’t go to a social gathering without hearing, “I know the perfect person for you!”
If the person you start dating says they’ve been single for the past 10 years, an alert probably goes off in your head and you may find yourself thinking something must be wrong with this person if they’ve been single for that long.
What if they just enjoy being single?
What if they love themselves so much they want to be in a relationship with someone that only adds to their life?
Every Valentine’s Day, it’s not uncommon to hear the people around you saying things like, “I need to find a date for Valentine’s Day,” or “I’ll wait until next week to break up with them because I don’t want to be alone on Valentine’s Day.”
Why does Valentine’s Day have to be a day about finding a person to be with? Why can’t those who are single go about their lives as if it’s just another day?
More than likely, it’s because they have a 50-50 mindset.
The 50-50 mindset
When someone struggles to be single to alone, they’re most likely stuck seeing themselves as only 50% of a whole. They believe that finding someone will “complete” them. They believe they can’t end a shitty relationship because they “don’t know what they’d do” without their partner.
So they settle for a less-than-great partner or a partner who they aren’t actually compatible with.
People who are stuck in the 50-50 mindset see themselves as incomplete and believe the only way to feel complete is to find someone to be in a relationship with.
The problem with the 50-50 mindset
The issue with someone being stuck in the 50-50 mindset is that it puts an unrealistic amount of pressure on their partner.
Here’s what I mean.
If Sarah only sees herself as 50% complete and starts to date John, she is expecting John to bring the other 50% to the relationship.
Say Sarah has been through some trauma in the past and she actually only sees herself as 40%. Now she’s expecting John to bring 60% to the relationship in order for them to be complete.
But even if Sarah can bring 50% to the relationship, what if John has a lot of work stress from a toxic workplace environment and can only bring 30% to the relationship and Sarah can’t make up the extra? Sarah’s 50% and John’s 30% means the relationship is only at 80%.
This means that Sarah and John are missing 20% and are likely never going to feel complete. There may even be some resentment that starts to show up because Sarah thinks John isn’t bringing enough to the relationship and vice versa.
Having a 50-50 mindset is how so many of us find ourselves in an abusive relationship. When someone sees themselves as “less than,” “not valuable,” “unlovable,” or “undeserving” because of their past experiences, abusers can sense that and prey upon it.
Abusers will take someone’s feelings of being less than and shower them with love and affection. This makes that person feel like the abuser loves them despite their “baggage” and often leads them to staying with their abuser. They believe their abuser is the only person that will truly love them.
A better mindset
Rather than being stuck in the 50-50 mindset and being unhappy in every relationship and being unhappy when you’re single, work to be 100% all by yourself.
If Sarah took some time to learn how to be okay with being by herself and worked to get herself as close to 100% as she can, she’ll be much happier on a day to day basis.
She no longer puts any pressure on John to make up any missing percent. Now, they can have a relationship where they choose each other every day, no strings attached. Just love, appreciation, and happiness.
Even if John can’t bring 50% of himself every day, Sarah still has all she needs because she sees herself as 100%. Anything John is able to bring to the relationship is just bonus percentage points.
Sarah doesn’t have to be at 100% every day, though. That’s unrealistic. Things are going to happen that bring Sarah down, that’s just how life works.
But by having the baseline of 100% on a regular day, Sarah no longer expects John to make up any percentage points, even on the days where she feels more like 80%.
After a few abusive relationships, I saw myself as probably 30% complete for a long time. This led to me constantly trying to find someone to make up for my missing 70%.
Then, I decided one day that I needed to focus on myself. I needed to be more okay with myself and more okay with being alone.
I needed to love myself.
Loving yourself will get you to 100%
When I stopped trying to force someone to make up my missing percent, instead focusing on trying to make up that missing 70% on my own, everything shifted.
I was more carefree, I was happier, and I was starting to gain some clarity on my past relationships. I was also starting to feel better about myself, both physically and mentally.
I no longer had thoughts of disgust when I looked in the mirror. I no longer hated myself for decisions I had made in the past. I no longer blamed myself for the trauma I experienced.
After I started loving myself more, I realized that I didn’t need a boyfriend. I was okay by myself.
So I deleted the dating apps and stopped going out every single weekend, scanning the bars for someone who may find me interesting. I stopped approaching every new guy I met with my dating radar up, constantly looking for signs that he might be into me.
That’s why when I met Corey, everything was different.
I didn’t put any pressure on myself to be flirty or make him like me and I didn’t put any pressure on him to find me attractive. We were just two people hanging out after our shift at a really shitty job. We became close friends with zero expectations of anything more.
Then, when we both started to realize we enjoyed spending time together and feelings started to surface, we started dating.
Corey and I have said from the beginning that we don’t need each other. It actually concerned my mom for the longest time because she was afraid our feelings weren’t real. Until I explained what we meant.
We don’t need each other…but we choose each other every single day. And we both understand that if at any point either of us no longer choose each other, then the relationship is over.
I don’t expect Corey to ever make me feel whole or to fix me when I feel incomplete. When I choose him every day, I am making the conscious decision that being in a relationship with him makes me happy. The relationship only adds to my life.
It’s like bonus points on a school project. I always worked hard on my school projects. I wanted to do my best so that I had the best chance of getting 100% on my grade. If there were opportunities for bonus points, I chose to take those opportunities. That way, the bonus points were just that. A bonus on top of whatever points I earned myself.
My relationship with Corey is a bonus on top of the life that I am creating for myself.
Instead of settling or finding a partner just to have someone to spend this Valentine’s Day with, spend some time with yourself instead. Treat yourself to a nice meal, do an activity you love, experience something new that you’ve always wanted to do, or just hang out with yourself at home.
You don’t need another person to make you happy or to love you.
Love yourself.
Until next week,
Rychelle 💜
Congratulations on the work you have done internally for yourself. What you describe is a profound piece of inner work. Inspiring. And I like the way you explained the 50 - 50 and 100% principles. Makes total sense.