Happy Monday everyone!
“I should have seen it coming.”
“I’m so stupid for letting it get this bad.”
“I should have left sooner.”
“I’m so unworthy after that, there’s no way anyone else will ever love me with all of this baggage from my past.”
“Why didn’t I listen to everyone who told me it was a bad relationship?”
“How did I let this happen again?! Didn’t I learn anything after the first one?”
These are all thoughts I had about myself after I ended my 2 abusive relationship and I can guarantee others who’ve experienced domestic violence have had similar if not identical thoughts about themselves.
Guilt and shame are two of the most common feelings people have toward themselves after ending an abusive relationship. These feelings can keep a person from ever moving on after those relationships, but they can also be insanely hard to overcome.
Here’s a mindset shift that helped me shake the shame and guilt I felt toward myself after ending my abusive relationships.
I’m a different “me”
The version of me that was stuck in those abusive relationships is a different version than the one who made the decision to end them.
The “me” that was stuck was small, terrified, timid, and felt like everything wrong in the world was my fault. The “me” that ended the relationships was still small and broken, but also tired and someone who started to feel the fire of bravery inside that had been burnt out for years.
The version of me that made the decision to end those relationships is a different version than the one who lives today, over 10 years later.
The “me” of today still feels anxiety and still has some trauma responses as a result of those relationships. But the “me” of today also feels more empowered than ever to live my life how I want. The “me” of today is happier, healthier, and stronger than any past version of myself.
The current version of “me” can’t hold onto shame and guilt
Here’s the mindset shift:
I wouldn’t be okay with someone judging the current version of “me” for my past decisions.
If some person, whether they were someone I knew or a stranger, told me I should have ended those relationships sooner or that I should have never let those things happen to me, I would stand up for myself.
I would respond with things like how difficult it can be to recognize when you’re in an abusive relationship. I would describe how alone you feel even if you do know what’s happening, so it’s nearly impossible to reach out for help.
If I wouldn’t be okay with anyone else shaming or guilting current “me” for decisions made by past versions of “me,” then I shouldn’t be okay with current “me” shaming or guilting past versions of “me” either.
If I would be willing to stand up for myself against someone else, then I have to be willing to stand up for myself against myself as well.
It’s not easy, but if we think about the shame and guilt we feel toward ourselves for our past decisions as some external person casting that shame and guilt, it will probably be easier to refute.
The next time you feel yourself thinking any of the thoughts mentioned at the beginning, imagine it’s someone else saying them. Create a fictional person in your mind that is shaming and guilting you for your past decisions and respond with something like:
“That was a different version of me. The current version of me made the decision to leave. The current version of me is stronger.”
“That relationship was volatile and that version of me made the choices (s)he thought were the safest at the time.”
“Constantly saying ‘I should have…’ or ‘I shouldn’t have…’ is pointless. I can’t change the decisions I made in the past, so it’s better to focus on the decisions I can make today. And today, I choose to think kindly toward myself and move forward.”
Until next week,
Rychelle 💜
This is so very true. The shame I felt after leaving an abusive relationship was crushing. I wanted to crawl into a hole. I had so much negative self-talk going on after that and it's taken me eight years to shift away from that toward being compassionate toward myself. Besides, would a close friend talk to me that way? Nope. So I shouldn't talk to myself that way. When I knew better, I did better. Frankly, I didn't realize the relationship was abusive until I left (which took me a dozen years to do). Afterward it was so clear! Ugh. But those experiences happen so slowly over time that we don't notice what's really happening. Old Merideth was timid and fearful. Merideth of the last 7-8 years so strong, confident, and willing to take some (calculated) risks. I try to be gentle and forgiving with Old Merideth, and encouraging and celebratory with the New Merideth. Leaving is worth all the fear and uncertainty.