Happy Monday everyone!
For years, I have been saying that Corey and I have such a solid relationship because our communication is on point. While I will still argue communication is one of the biggest reasons our relationship is so successful, I recently realized our success can actually be attributed to something else.
The realization came last Thursday afternoon when Corey and I ventured to downtown Austin to meet up with our friend,
, for tacos.I was seated facing the window, watching various people walking by in business attire, getting their dog out for some midday exercise, or hand in hand with their partner. We sat there for a few hours, enjoying deep conversation about spirituality and relationships.
This was the second time in a week where I found myself in a conversation about relationships. More specifically, a conversation about growth in relationships.
I was speaking to one of my main tenets about relationships: sometimes people in a relationship grow in different directions and that’s okay. That doesn’t mean the relationship has failed. It means the relationship has run its course.
Corey and Steven both agreed and added to that idea with their own versions…Corey bringing his psychology expertise to the idea and Steven adding some spiritual wisdom.
Their additions to this perspective I’ve had for years now allowed me to think about it even deeper. While they were still talking, it was almost like the part in the movie where the main character is in conversation and the other people’s voices start to fade because the main character is getting lost in their thoughts.
I could still hear what Corey and Steven were saying, but my own thoughts were growing louder than their voices.
All I could hear was my own voice in my head saying, “We’ve never tried to change one another, but we both expected one another to change.”
Change is natural
Change is a natural and necessary part of life.
If it weren’t, we wouldn’t have seasons. The seeds we plant in dirt would stay seeds instead of growing into towering trees. Rivers would stay the same course year after year instead of gradually forging new pathways.
If change weren’t natural, I would be a veterinarian, my younger self’s answer to the “what do you want to be when you grow up” question. I would be living in the suburbs of Pittsburgh. I would be living off of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and buttered noodles.
I would still be the human I was when I was 5 years old.
I wouldn’t be living in Austin. I wouldn’t be getting my Ph.D. in criminal justice. Corey wouldn’t be my partner. My favorite food wouldn’t be sushi (any version of me before age 20 would have gagged at the thought of eating raw fish).
Change is the key to a successful relationship
Ask anyone for relationship advice and one of the most common things they’ll tell you is “don’t try to change them.”
I’ve been in a few relationships where I tried to change them into someone they weren’t. Someone who wasn’t controlling. Someone who didn’t sleep around. Someone who didn’t drink as much.
Surprise, surprise…it never worked. Quite the opposite, it always caused conflict.
Okay, but if trying to change someone isn’t the way to go, then how can change be the key to a successful relationship?
With Corey, neither one of us tried to change the other, but we gave each other the space to naturally grow and change. He gave me the space to reevaluate my career goals, leading to a complete shift in my plan. I gave him the space to explore a new career of entrepreneurship, writing, and content creating, leading him to be happier with life these past three years than I’ve ever seen him.
In giving each other this space to explore the natural and inevitable change, we’ve given each other the ability to truly be our happiest selves.
Having space to grow and explore change has enabled us to give more to our relationship. Because we’re no longer miserable with our jobs, we have more energy to put into our shared life.
We’ve grown in a way that allows us to intertwine our roots together more, like redwoods in a forest.
Each redwood could grow on its own without being near any other redwoods, but it won’t grow as tall. In a forest full of redwoods, each tree still has its own space above ground to grow, but beneath the surface, the forest grows stronger together.
“They ultimately intertwine their roots so they can share nutrients and physically support each other. Just a few feet below the ground is a massive, interconnected support system. These roots act as hands that have linked together to hold each other up during difficult times.” - Molly Grisham
While I will never try and force Corey to change, I will always expect him to change. I expect him to grow into new phases and chapters.
Change is natural. Change is inevitable. Supporting and giving space for that change can take a relationship from a standalone tree to a strong and sturdy forest.
Until next week,
Rychelle 💜
That point about being our 5-year-old selves if we never change was so strong. Thanks for sharing this, Rychelle.
I love how you have simply summed up the basis of a thriving relationship Rhychelle. “We’ve never tried to change one another, but we both expected one another to change.” It’s also notable to me how important stories are to effective communication and how helpful it was to hear the unfolding of your insight in the context of your actual conversation.