Happy Monday everyone!
Ending a relationship can be a really stressful thing to do.
Most people hate confrontation and don’t want to upset anyone, especially someone they’ve been in a relationship with.
Ending a relationship with a manipulative and/or abusive partner is an even more stressful thing to do.
The most dangerous time for the victim of domestic violence, and the time that most intimate partner homicides occur, is when they try to end the relationship.
It’s also very easy for a master manipulator to talk a person out of ending the relationship. They’ll make promises to change their behavior, love-bomb, or even threaten/harm the person or their loved ones until they change their mind.
You are the most important person in your life. Your safety should always be your #1 priority.
This is true on a day-to-day basis, but also during a breakup. Your safety is more important than their feelings.
Here are 5 tips for ending a relationship while keeping your personal safety as the top priority:
1. Plan what you’re going to say
Again, breaking up with someone can be a stressful situation and it’s easy to feel flustered and upset in the moment. It can be helpful to think ahead of time about what you’re going to say.
Be clear. Be concise.
Use phrases like “I am breaking up with you,” “the relationship is over,” and “don’t contact me anymore.”
Don’t use words or phrases that can be misinterpreted like “this isn’t working” or “I think we should break up.”
Planning out in advance what you are going to say also allows you to say it with confidence. Rehearse it in the mirror or even practice it with a friend. This way, you’re not trying to figure out what to say in the moment when you’re nervous.
2. Break up in a public space
It’s common to want to break up with someone discreetly and in private. No one wants to air their problems out in public.
But ending a relationship, especially with a manipulative/abusive partner, is exactly when you should be public.
Break up with them in a busy coffee shop, a public park, or even in the middle of the grocery store.
Make sure people are around. Make sure you have the ability to easily leave the space if things get dangerous. This means don’t sit at a table tucked away in the corner, and don’t sit in a seat that places your soon-to-be ex in between you and the door.
Don’t “go somewhere quiet to talk” or wait until you’re in the car to break up with them.
Break up in a space where people are present.
3. Tell someone the details
Tell one friend or family member exactly what you’re going to do and where you will be.
Here’s an example: “I am going to the Avery Ranch Summer Moon Coffee Shop at 2:00pm to break up with Mark. The conversation with Mark won’t take more than 20 minutes. Can I come to your house afterward?”
If you can’t meet up with them afterward, share your location with them right before you meet up with the partner you’re breaking up with and continue to share your location until you’re back in a safe space.
You can also ask a friend to go with you for support. There’s no rule that says you have to be alone with the person you’re trying to break up with. If you don’t feel safe being alone with them, take someone you trust with you.
4. Stand your ground
Once you say you are breaking up with them, don’t take it back. Don’t say, “the relationship is over,” and then allow them to talk you into saying, “well we can give it another week and see.”
Don’t let them try and sweet talk you into changing your mind. They may say something like “You’re the sweetest and most beautiful person I’ve ever met and I can’t bear the thought of losing you. I promise I’ll change.”
They may even get aggressive, saying things like “If you break up with me I’ll slash your tires,” “you have no idea what I’m capable of when I get upset.” They may start calling you names or threatening you, your loved ones, or even your pet.
If they start getting violent or start threatening violence, reiterate that you are breaking up with them and then get up and leave. You are not responsible for staying and trying to calm them down.
Remove yourself from the situation.
You can even ask an employee of the public place you’re in to walk you out to your vehicle or go to another part of that public space until your now ex-partner leaves.
5. Tell EVERYONE after the fact
Some people don’t want anyone to know they broke up with their partner because they don’t want their friends and family to make a big deal out of it. They usually just want to move on.
That’s understandable, but a breakup is something that everyone should know about.
Tell your family. Your friends. Your coworkers. Hell, make an announcement on social media. Shout it from the rooftops that you and Mark are no longer together and that no one should give Mark any information about you from this point on.
Telling people you broke up with your partner so they have up-to-date information isn’t the same as talking ad nauseam about it.
You can simply say, “I don’t want to talk about it right now, but I broke up with Mark. He was controlling and I didn’t feel safe with him anymore. Please don’t share any information with him about me anymore.”
Manipulative/abusive people will use their victim’s friends and family members to reel them back in. They’ll ask their victim’s friends and family members for information about their whereabouts, who they’re hanging out with, etc.
If your friends and family don’t know you’ve broken up with Mark, they won’t know that he no longer needs to know anything about your life.
If it’s not an abusive situation, you can say “I’m pretty upset about it so I don’t really want to talk about it just yet, but I broke up with Mark. I just wanted to let you know in case he tries to ask you about me or something.”
6. Break up with them while they’re busy
If you feel like breaking up with them would put you in danger of being harmed, or if you really can’t stand the thought of confronting them in person, that’s okay.
If you live with them, pack up your shit and leave while they're out for a few hours. This can be while they’re at work or out with friends…just make sure there’s no chance they’ll come home sooner than you expected and find you in the middle of moving out.
Plan ahead with a friend so you’re not moving everything out by yourself and so that you have somewhere you can stay temporarily.
Send them a message after you’ve gotten all of your things, telling them (again, clearly and definitively) that the relationship is over and they are not to contact you again.
This is an option even if you don’t live with them. If you feel like they will respond to the break up badly, send them a text ending the relationship.
People think breaking up via text is in poor taste, but I say it’s perfectly acceptable, especially if it means you stay safe.
You don’t have to answer their phone calls trying to talk things out with you. You can ignore their calls and texts, block their number, whatever makes you feel the safest.
And remember, if things get truly dangerous and violent, you can call 911. Tell them you tried to break up with your partner and they started lashing out and that you no longer feel safe.
Recap
Breaking up with someone can be a scary thing, even more so if they are manipulative/abusive.
Because we never truly know how someone will react when we try to break up with them, it’s important to:
rehearse what you’re going to say
make sure you break up with them in public
tell a friend the details of the meetup or take a friend with you
stand your ground once you’ve broken up with them
and tell everyone about the breakup immediately after it’s done
If you don’t feel safe enough to break up with them in person, it’s completely fine to break up with them through text message or a phone call.
Remembering these 6 tips can help you keep your personal safety as the top priority when trying to end a relationship, especially with a manipulative/abusive partner.
Until next week,
Rychelle 💜
WOW. This is a fantastic tool for those who know they need to end a relationship with an abusive partner but fear the consequences. I wish I'd had it years ago - it would have saved me a lot of grief and wasted years. Thank you for sharing your expertise, Rychelle!
This is such a helpful resource! I like that you underscored how many things we feel like we have to do to be “nice” or do things the “right way” that can actually work against us.